As someone who tends to have an anxious attachment style, receiving can be difficult. I was raised to be the giver. I learned early on that my role here on Earth was to put my care for others before myself. I’m not even sure this was done on purpose, but I definitely internalized a loud message – MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS DID NOT MATTER TO ANYONE!
I grew up with two military parents who did their best raising me. However, because they were growing up with me in many ways, they didn’t have the ability to validate my feelings. If I cried or expressed frustration about something, they made fun of me, called me names and did what they could to toughen me up. My sensitivity was definitely not seen as a superpower in the 1980’s. Not to mention, I grew up in a strict Christian home where sacrificing myself for the good of others was seen as godly.
My younger brother, and closest friend, died when I was five. Almost immediately, they shipped my Dad to Korea. Before long, I felt solely responsible for keeping my Mom happy; a responsibility I carried proudly. I quickly learned how to play the role of caretaker, provider, protector, supporter, cheerleader and counselor to those closest to me. I felt like I had more purpose and people liked me better when I was the helper. I built so many of my closest relationships on a foundation of me being the need meeter. It made me feel good when people told me how helpful, wise and sweet they thought I was.
The first time I remember seeing my mindset as problematic, I was seeing a therapist to work through my issues with how my parents treated me. She started asking me what I wanted in my life and I was frustrated because I was not accustomed to those sorts of questions. As bold as my personality came off, I didn’t know much about me. I only knew how to be the person other people needed. Therapy helped, but the “put others first” mentality ran deep into my subconscious.
Years later, someone in my spiritual community recommend that I do a patience ritual, because she noticed how impatient I was with myself. I sat in between her and another one of the people I refer to as my cosmic sister and we went into silent meditation together. After some time had passed, I heard these words clear as a bell, “Patience. Share the wealth. Receive.”
Sharing the wealth has always come relatively easy to me. But receiving takes self-compassion. Receiving meant I had to believe I was worthy. To receive, I have to release the guilt I still sometimes feel when people did things for me and tune out that voice that says I’m being a burden. This requires discipline, self-work and a willingness to allow people to truly see me.
If you find that most of the people you know take more than they give, please schedule a consult with me. I would love to support you as you learn to prioritize yourself.
Trust me, you are worth so much more than what you can provide for others.
